Hmm. There are ancient Earth legends about wizards and their familiars. –Familiars? –Demons in animal forms sent by Satan to serve the wizard. –Superstition. –I do not create the legend, Captain. I merely report it.
It's an old legend that on Christmas Eve at midnight, all the animals fall to their knees and speak, praising the new-born Jesus. Back in the winter of '69, my dad was serving a short time for a DUI and I don't know where my mom was... Anyway, I was home alone Christmas Eve and I stayed up extra kind of late to see if my dog Buddy would talk, and he did. I don't remember his exact words, but that's not important. What-- What matters is that a 7-year-old boy experienced his own personal epiphany. What's my point? Well, it's that Christmas reveals itself to us each in a personal way. Be it secular or sacred, whatever Christmas is, and it's many things to many people, we all own a piece of it. It's like... Well, it's kind of like Santa's bag. Inside, there's a gift for everybody. My Christmas wish for you tonight: may your dog talk. Good night, Cicely. Merry Christmas.
What'd you need? –Any Christmas ideas you might have. –There's no such thing as the star of Bethlehem. –Jesus was born in North Africa. How come in paintings it always looks like he's one of the Bee Gees? –All right, Christmas ideas that don't shriek of meanness. –Hey, your people stole Jesus from my people.
Well, this might seem like a shocking display of ignorance, but I seem to be the only one in town who doesn't know. I mean, what exactly is this thing with the Raven? –Thing? –Well, I don't understand what it has to do with Christmas. –A long time ago, the Raven looked down from the sky and saw that the People of the world were living in Darkness. The ball of Light was kept hidden by a selfish old Chief. So the Raven turned himself into a spruce needle and floated on the river where the Chief's daughter came for water. She drank the spruce needle. She became pregnant and gave birth to a boy, which was the Raven in disguise. The baby cried and cried until the Chief gave him the ball of Light to play with. As soon as he had the Light, the Raven turned back into himself and carried the Light into the sky. From then on, we no longer lived in Darkness.
Why, this is bigger than the, than the Whispering Steeple in Kansas City.
Oh, the next thing you'll be telling me there's no such thing as Santa Claus. –You mean the fictional character created by New York City merchants at the turn of the century to encourage people to buy material goods? –I can't handle this.