Hello, and welcome to This Week in God's Christmas Christacular: honoring that special time of year when we celebrate the birth of our savior, and Jews celebrate Chanukah when their oil lasted longer than they thought it would. And then, of course, there's Kwanzaa, which I believe celebrates the end of Michael Richards' career.
You know what? It's OK. If Bill O'Reilly needs to have an enemy, needs to feel persecuted, you know what? Here's my Kwanzaa gift to him... Are you ready? All right... I'm your enemy. Make me your enemy. I, Jon Stewart, hate Christmas, Christians, Jews, morality! And I will not rest until every year families gather to spend December 25th together at Osama's Homobortion Pot-n-Commie Jizzporium.
I've researched winter Earth holidays like Kwanzaa, Christmas, Chanukah, and the year-end clearance sale at Mendelton's department store. –I don't think that last one's a holiday. –If 50% off everything isn't a holiday, sister, I don't know what is!