...Not only did I grope him, I tickled him 'til he couldn't breathe and then four guys jumped on top of me. It's my 50th birthday.' –Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, poor guy's jumping on you-- that sounds like a--a hell of a--a shindig there... I just--very quickly-- (talking into phone) Cancel my 50th birthday.
Hello, and welcome to This Week in God's Christmas Christacular: honoring that special time of year when we celebrate the birth of our savior, and Jews celebrate Chanukah when their oil lasted longer than they thought it would. And then, of course, there's Kwanzaa, which I believe celebrates the end of Michael Richards' career.
You know what? It's OK. If Bill O'Reilly needs to have an enemy, needs to feel persecuted, you know what? Here's my Kwanzaa gift to him... Are you ready? All right... I'm your enemy. Make me your enemy. I, Jon Stewart, hate Christmas, Christians, Jews, morality! And I will not rest until every year families gather to spend December 25th together at Osama's Homobortion Pot-n-Commie Jizzporium.
But apparently we liberal, secular fags here at Comedy Central have fired a devastating year-old 6-second long joke, that doesn't barely even make any sense to us any more, across the bow of Christianity. When you think of Liberals, your thoughts naturally turn to others who're fighting against Christmas, like the Puritans: the first white Americans who banned Christmas celebrations for 22 years in Boston because they deemed all of them unseemly.