Welcome to the show, thank you for joining us. You know, I am really steamed. I marched in a parade this weekend. The poster said it was in honor of my favorite emotion: pride. Well, it turns out it was a Gay Pride parade and I didn't find out until after I'd marched for 3 hours shouting 'I am Stephen Colbert and I am proud to be out.' By which I clearly meant 'outside.' It was a lovely day.
But why do they have to steal the word 'pride?' It's yet another attempt by the homolexicographical agenda to turn our dictionaries gay. They already took the word 'gay' and gayed it all up. I used to use that word all the time. Then they stole rainbows and closets. Back in college, when I was young and gay, I threw the gayest rainbow-themed closet parties around.