 |
December 29 – "Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech. And that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself." – [Groucho Marx from Horse Feathers] |
|
December 28 – "Did anyone ever tell you that you were very, very sexy? –Well, actually, no. –They never will." – [Barbra Streisand and Kenneth Mars from What's Up, Doc?] |
 |
December 27 – "Judging from my observations, Captain, you're rapidly losing the power of decision." – [Leonard Nimoy from Star Trek: The Original Series] |
|
December 26 – "You and I are alike, and there will come a moment when you will have a chance to show it… to do the right thing. –I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by." – [Keira Knightley & Johnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean 02: Dead Man's Chest] |
|
December 22~25 – "It's an old legend that on Christmas Eve at midnight, all the animals fall to their knees and speak, praising the new-born Jesus. Back in the winter of '69, my dad was serving a short time for a DUI and I don't know where my mom was… Anyway, I was home alone Christmas Eve and I stayed up extra kind of late to see if my dog Buddy would talk, and he did. I don't remember his exact words, but that's not important. What-- What matters is that a 7-year-old boy experienced his own personal epiphany. What's my point? Well, it's that Christmas reveals itself to us each in a personal way. Be it secular or sacred, whatever Christmas is, and it's many things to many people, we all own a piece of it. It's like... Well, it's kind of like Santa's bag. Inside, there's a gift for everybody. My Christmas wish for you tonight: may your dog talk. Good night, Cicely. Merry Christmas." – [John Corbett from Northern Exposure] |
|
December 21 – "Hello, and welcome to This Week in God's Christmas Christacular: honoring that special time of year when we celebrate the birth of our savior, and Jews celebrate Chanukkah when their oil lasted longer than they thought it would. And then, of course, there's Kwanzaa, which I believe celebrates the end of Michael Richards' career." – [Samantha Bee from The Daily Show]
and "Finally, a church service combining the spirituality of the Bible with the preachiness of Bono. They call it the U2charist. Seriously. You laugh, but it's still cooler than Hanson's Mmboptism." – [Samantha Bee from The Daily Show] |
|
December 20 – "Peter, tomorrow's Christmas Eve and you still haven't gotten us a tree. –Lois, I told you, I'm on dipsilucious vacation. What part of that don't you understand?" – [Lois and Peter Griffin (Alex Borstein and Seth MacFarlane) from Family Guy]
and "Good morning; Merry Christmas. I hope I'm in time to see you flip the flapjacks." – [Sydney Greenstreet from Christmas In Connecticut] |
|
December 19 – "Hey, Speedy, Merry Christmas! Or, as they say in your country, Fleas And Egg Nog!" – [Daffy Duck (Joe Alaskey) from Bah Humduck!: A Looney Tunes Christmas]
and "Now, what have have you learned from your visit to Christmas Past? –That life is cruel, and the only way to survive is to be as selfish as possible?" – [Tweety Bird and Daffy Duck (Bob Bergen and Joe Alaskey) from Bah Humduck!: A Looney Tunes Christmas] |
|
December 18 – "Jackie! Mickey! Blimey! No, no, no, no. Hold on a minute. Wait there. What was I going to say? There's something I have to tell you. Something important. What was it? No, hold on, hold on. Hold on, sh- sh-sh-sh. Oh! I know! Merry Christmas!" – [David Tennant from Doctor Who]
and "But Mr. Thompson said there is no Santa. –Ha ha! Next thing he'll be telling you is there's no dragons." – [Ken Weatherwax and Jackie Coogan from The Addams Family] |
|
December 16 – In Memoriam, Peter Boyle
"You know, there's one thing I've found, is that when you're married to someone you love, it's--it's like nothing else in the world. It's--it's life-altering, it's--it's soul-changing, it's the summit of all human desire, and… when you finally achieve it, it's as if mind and body finally merge and you're set free. –Totally. –Cookie?" – [Peter Boyle and Jessica Collins from Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman] |
|
December 15 – "When I was a kid, I wanted to celebrate Christmas, but I couldn't 'cause I'm Jewish. So I was stuck with Chanukah, or as many of you still call it, 'Shanookah' or 'Chawnikah', as in 'Are you celebrating that Chawnikah (bleep) again?' It's actually pronounced Chhh... Chhh... Chhh... I don't have enough phlegm to pronounce it." – [Lewis Black from Comedy Central's Last Laugh '06]
and "You have a lovely holiday that you celebrate with lights. Yessiree. You have electricity. And what do we have? Candles. Itty-bitty candles like we're living in a cave or something. And you have lights everywhere. And what do the lights say? 'We're having fun, we're having fun, and you're not 'cause you're a Jew!'" – [Lewis Black from Comedy Central's Last Laugh '06] |
|
December 14 – "Aah! Oh, it was just a dream. I needn't fear this 'Santa.' If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking in the dark. No one here but me. La-te-da-te… All right! Where is it?! Where's the wire?! Show yourself, Claus!" – [Stewie Griffin (Seth MacFarlane) from Family Guy]
and "Yeah, Peter, one of us has to be the Designated Driver, and I've already had four egg nogs, so I guess you're it. –Hah. That's a good one, Joe. Heh. Way to get into the spirit. Heh heh. –(konk) I'm a cop first and a buddy second, so don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer! (glug glug glug) All right! Let's a-wassail!" – [Joe Swanson and Peter Griffin (Patrick Warburton and Seth MacFarlane) from Family Guy] |
|
December 13 –"What'd you need? –Any Christmas ideas you might have. –There's no such thing as the star of Bethlehem. –Jesus was born in North Africa. How come in paintings it always looks like he's one of the Bee Gees? –All right, Christmas ideas that don't shriek of meanness. –Hey, your people stole Jesus from my people." – [D.L. Hughley, Matthew Perry, & Nate Corddry from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip]
and "Is there a sketch you feel like you can cut right now? –Sure. I could cut Immaculate My Ass, HBO's Ho Ho Ho's, and Hookers at the Pole." – [Bradley Whitford and Matthew Perry from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip] |
|
December 12 –"And now, direct from the Keaton household, the moment you've all been waiting for: the lighting of the Christmas Tree!" – [Meredith Baxter from Family Ties]
and "Liz, don't waste time with him. You have to decide what you're going to say to the old man. –What old man? –Oh, it's Yardley. He's sending me a sailor for Christmas. –Oh, how nice… A sailor? Really, Elizabeth!" – [Robert Shayne, Reginald Gardiner, and Barbara Stanwyck from Christmas In Connecticut] |
|
December 11 –"Well, this might seem like a shocking display of ignorance, but I seem to be the only one in town who doesn't know. I mean, what exactly is this thing with the Raven? –Thing? –Well, I don't understand what it has to do with Christmas. –A long time ago, the Raven looked down from the sky and saw that the People of the world were living in Darkness. The ball of Light was kept hidden by a selfish old Chief. So the Raven turned himself into a spruce needle and floated on the river where the Chief's daughter came for water. She drank the spruce needle. She became pregnant and gave birth to a boy, which was the Raven in disguise. The baby cried and cried until the Chief gave him the ball of Light to play with. As soon as he had the Light, the Raven turned back into himself and carried the Light into the sky. From then on, we no longer lived in Darkness." – [Rob Morrow and Elaine Miles from Northern Exposure]
and "Ooh, someone's being naughty, not nice. You know Santa's watching you. –What the devil do you mean, watching? –Well, honey, Santa's making a list and checking it twice. –He sees you when you're sleeping. –And he knows when you're awake. I almost caught him last year, but he's magic! –Constant surveillance of every child on earth. Impossible! Unless... hidden cameras!" – [Lois, Stewie, Meg, and Chris Griffin (Alex Borstein, Seth MacFarlane, Mila Kunis, and Seth Green) from Family Guy] |
|
December 8 –"Cal? –Yeah? –What, uh, is going on with this? –What do you mean? –What's he doing? –There're going to be reindeer up in the balcony. He's waving at them. –He's giving the Nazi salute. –Nah. He's waving at the reindeer. –Why wouldn't the reindeer be with him? –Well, when you start to apply logic to Santa Claus, Matt-- –All right, let's set logistics aside. He's saying 'Heil Hitler.' –I think you're reading too much into it. –He's giving the Nazi salute. –Well, now that you've said it, that's all I can see. –It's all anybody can see. –Yeah, he's got the crazy eyes, too, doesn't he? Let's get rid of demented Santa Claus!" – [Matthew Perry and Timothy Busfeld from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip]
and "How is it I'm Jewish and I'm the only one with Christmas spirit? Come to think of it, how is it I'm the only Jew in a comedy writer's room? –All good questions, but take some advice from your Protestant brothers: let's do The Year In Review and screw Christmas. –Screw Christmas?!" – [Matthew Perry and Mark McKinney from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip] |
|
December 7 –"I was right! Santa is real! I think this calls for the 'Billy Was Right' dance!" – [Billy (Richard Steven Horvitz) from Grim & Evil]
and "Christmas is about presents! If we all buy presents, everyone benefits, mm-kay? –That is the spirit of Christmas, commercialism, because it's what makes our country work!" – [Mr. Mackey and Randy Marsh (Trey Parker) from South Park] |
|
December 6 –"I got a Christmas present for you. –Oh. Well, hand it over. –Huh? –I say, hand it over. –Ain't you got nothing for me?" – [Art Carney and Jackie Gleason from The Honeymooners]
and "Merry Christmas, Ms. Harper. –The next person who wishes me a Merry Christmas is going to get decked along with the halls." – [Dorothy Lyman and Vicki Lawrence from Mama's Family] |
|
December 5 – Time for a bit of catch-up now that the power's back on...
"Well, you owe me. Later, under the misteltoe, open-mouth, no matter how drunk I am." – [Peter Griffin (Seth MacFarlane) from Family Guy]
and "Oh, I'm sorry, Rose. I guess I'm just sad because Christmas doesn't have any meaning anymore. It's gotten so commercial! –How can you say that? –Oh, please, Rose. The Three Wise Men in the Nativity scene at Burdine's were wearing Ralph Lauren ski parkas." – [Bea Arthur and Betty White from The Golden Girls]
and "What kind of person would defile Christmas in this manner? Hmm. The person responsible is obviously a lonely and bitter shut-in." – [I.M Weasel (Michael Dorn) from I Am Weasel]
and "Take it easy with the 'Merry Christmases,' will you, Ma? This holiday is a silly, sentimental farce. It's phony! People just pretend to have this so-called Christmas Spirit. –We can't all have this natural Yuletide verve that you possess." – Michael J. Fox and Meredith Baxter from Family Ties] |
| |
December 2~?? – Hmm, shades of July. For those who don't know, St. Louis has had an ice storm and a few hundred thousand people are without power. I lost power about 3am on the 1st and it got down to 10F last night... AmerenUE, being their negligent selves, basically say "who knows" as to when power will be restored to my area. Odds are, at least 5 days. Let's hope the pipes don't freeze. I'll be uploading more clips when I have power restored! |
|
December 1 – "Have you been relieving yourself on me this whole time? –'Tis the season for giving." – [Santa Skarr and Billy (Armin Shimerman and Richard Steven Horvitz) from Grim & Evil]
and "No! He's been a very naughty boy! Just one Season's Beating! Just one!" – [Santa Skarr (Armin Shimerman) from Grim & Evil] |
|
|
