| Dec. 29, 2006
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"Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech. And that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself." — [Groucho Marx
(Prof. Quincy Adams Wagstaff)
from Horse Feathers] |
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(background)
"Is this stuff on the level, or are you just making it up as you go along?" — [Groucho Marx
(Prof. Quincy Adams Wagstaff)
from Horse Feathers] |
| Dec. 28, 2006
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"Did anyone ever tell you that you were very, very sexy? Well, actually, no. –They never will." — [Barbra Streisand
& Kenneth Mars from What's Up, Doc?] |
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(background)
"Listen, what do you think I am, a piece of ripe fruit you can squeeze the juice out of and cast aside?" — [Barbra Streisand
from What's Up, Doc?] |
| Dec. 27, 2006
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"Judging from my observations, Captain, you're rapidly losing the power of decision." — [Leonard Nimoy
(Mr. Spock)
from Star Trek: The Original Series] |
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(background)
"Incorrect. –Blast that tin-plated pot." — [uncredited
& Roger C. Carmel (Harcourt Fenton Mudd)
from Star Trek: The Original Series] |
| Dec. 26, 2006
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"You and I are alike, and there will come a moment when you will have a chance to show it… to do the right thing. –I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by." — [Keira Knightley
(Elizabeth Swann)
& Johnny Depp (Captain Jack Sparrow)
from Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest] |
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(background)
"Why is the rum always gone?" — [Johnny Depp
(Captain Jack Sparrow)
from Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest] |
| Dec. 22, 2006
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"It's an old legend that on Christmas Eve at midnight, all the animals fall to their knees and speak, praising the new-born Jesus. Back in the winter of '69, my dad was serving a short time for a DUI and I don't know where my mom was… Anyway, I was home alone Christmas Eve and I stayed up extra kind of late to see if my dog Buddy would talk, and he did. I don't remember his exact words, but that's not important. What-- What matters is that a 7-year-old boy experienced his own personal epiphany. What's my point? Well, it's that Christmas reveals itself to us each in a personal way. Be it secular or sacred, whatever Christmas is, and it's many things to many people, we all own a piece of it. It's like... Well, it's kind of like Santa's bag. Inside, there's a gift for everybody. My Christmas wish for you tonight: may your dog talk. Good night, Cicely. Merry Christmas." — [John Corbett
(Chris Stevens)
from Northern Exposure] |
| Dec. 21, 2006
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"Hello, and welcome to This Week in God's Christmas Christacular: honoring that special time of year when we celebrate the birth of our savior, and Jews celebrate Chanukah when their oil lasted longer than they thought it would. And then, of course, there's Kwanzaa, which I believe celebrates the end of Michael Richards' career." — [Samantha Bee
(Herself)
from Daily Show, The] |
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"Finally, a church service combining the spirituality of the Bible with the preachiness of Bono. They call it the U2charist. Seriously. You laugh, but it's still cooler than Hanson's Mmboptism."
— [Samantha Bee
(Herself)
from Daily Show, The] |
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(background)
"It was Wednesday, December 24th. We were working the Day Watch out of Burglary Division. The boss is Captain Bernard, my partner's Frank Smith. My name's Friday." — [Jack Webb
(Sgt. Joe Friday)
from Dragnet] |
| Dec. 20, 2006
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"Peter, tomorrow's Christmas Eve and you still haven't gotten us a tree. –Lois, I told you, I'm on dipsilucious vacation. What part of that don't you understand?" — [Alex Borstein
(Lois Griffin)
& Seth MacFarlane (Peter Griffin)
from Family Guy] |
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"Good morning; Merry Christmas. I hope I'm in time to see you flip the flapjacks." — [Sydney Greenstreet
(Alexander Yardley)
from Christmas In Connecticut] |
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(background)
"There's only one way to save Christmas: kill Jane Fonda!" — [Seth MacFarlane
(Stan Smith)
from American Dad!] |
| Dec. 19, 2006
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"Hey, Speedy, Merry Christmas! Or, as they say in your country, Fleas And Egg Nog!" — [Joe Alaskey
(Daffy Duck)
from Bah Humduck!: A Looney Tunes Christmas] |
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"Now, what have have you learned from your visit to Christmas Past? –That life is cruel, and the only way to survive is to be as selfish as possible?" — [Bob Bergen
(Tweety Bird)
& Joe Alaskey (Daffy Duck)
from Bah Humduck!: A Looney Tunes Christmas] |
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(background)
"B-B-Bah Humduck." — [Bob Bergen
(Porky Pig)
from Bah Humduck!: A Looney Tunes Christmas] |
| Dec. 18, 2006
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(background)
"(doorbell buzzes) Merry Christmas whoever it is!" — [Sally Struthers
(Gloria Bunker-Stivic)
from All In The Family] |
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"Jackie! Mickey! Blimey! No, no, no, no. Hold on a minute. Wait there. What was I going to say? There's something I have to tell you. Something important. What was it? No, hold on, hold on. Hold on, sh- sh-sh-sh. Oh! I know! Merry Christmas!" — [David Tennant
(The Doctor)
from Doctor Who (II)] |
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"But Mr. Thompson said there is no Santa. –Ha ha! Next thing he'll be telling you is there's no dragons." — [Ken Weatherwax
(Pugsley Addams)
& Jackie Coogan (Uncle Fester Frump)
from Addams Family, The (TV)] |
| Dec. 16, 2006
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In Memoriam, Peter Boyle
"You know, there's one thing I've found, is that when you're married to someone you love, it's--it's like nothing else in the world. It's--it's life-altering, it's--it's soul-changing, it's the summit of all human desire, and… when you finally achieve it, it's as if mind and body finally merge and you're set free. –Totally. –Cookie?" — [Peter Boyle
(Bill Church)
& Jessica Collins (Mindy Church)
from Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman] |
| Dec. 15, 2006
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"When I was a kid, I wanted to celebrate Christmas, but I couldn't 'cause I'm Jewish. So I was stuck with Chanukah, or as many of you still call it, 'Shanookah' or 'Chawnikah', as in 'Are you celebrating that Chawnikah (bleep) again?' It's actually pronounced Chhh... Chhh... Chhh... I don't have enough phlegm to pronounce it." — [Lewis Black
(Himself)
from Last Laugh '06] |
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"You have a lovely holiday that you celebrate with lights. Yessiree. You have electricity. And what do we have? Candles. Itty-bitty candles like we're living in a cave or something. And you have lights everywhere. And what do the lights say? 'We're having fun, we're having fun, and you're not 'cause you're a Jew!'" — [Lewis Black
(Himself)
from Last Laugh '06] |
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(background)
"Finally, before I leave you… I--I would like to say, uh, Christians… um… get Christmas under control." — [Lewis Black
(Himself)
from Last Laugh '06] |
| Dec. 14, 2006
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"Yeah, Peter, one of us has to be the Designated Driver, and I've already had four egg nogs, so I guess you're it. –Hah. That's a good one, Joe. Heh. Way to get into the spirit. Heh heh. –(konk) I'm a cop first and a buddy second, so don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer! (glug glug glug) All right! Let's a-wassail!" — [Patrick Warburton
(Joe Swanson)
& Seth MacFarlane (Peter Griffin)
from Family Guy] |
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"Aah! Oh, it was just a dream. I needn't fear this 'Santa.' If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking in the dark. No one here but me. La-te-da-te… All right! Where is it?! Where's the wire?! Show yourself, Claus!" — [Seth MacFarlane
(Stewie Griffin)
from Family Guy] |
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(background)
"What do you want now? You're getting to be a problem child." — [Frank Jenks
(Sinkewicz)
from Christmas In Connecticut] |
| Dec. 13, 2006
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(background)
"I'm afraid not every human is as Smurfy as they should be, Sassy." — [uncredited
(Grampa Smurf)
from Smurfs, The] |
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"Is there a sketch you feel like you can cut right now? –Sure. I could cut Immaculate My Ass, HBO's Ho Ho Ho's, and Hookers at the Pole." — [Bradley Whitford
(Danny Tripp)
& Matthew Perry (Matt Albie)
from Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip] |
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"What'd you need? –Any Christmas ideas you might have. –There's no such thing as the star of Bethlehem. –Jesus was born in North Africa. How come in painting it always looks like he's one of the Bee Gees? –All right, Christmas ideas that don't shriek of meanness. –Hey, your people stole Jesus from my people." — [D.L. Hughley
(Simon Stiles)
& Matthew Perry (Matt Albie)
& Nathan Corddry (Tom Jeter)
from Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip] |
| Dec. 12, 2006
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"Liz, don't waste time with him. You have to decide what you're going to say to the old man. –What old man? –Oh, it's Yardley. He's sending me a sailor for Christmas. –Oh, how nice… A sailor? Really, Elizabeth!" — [Robert Shayne
(Dudley Beecham)
& Reginald Gardiner (John Sloan)
& Barbara Stanwyck (Elizabeth Lane)
from Christmas In Connecticut] |
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(background)
"The things a girl will do for a mink coat." — [Barbara Stanwyck
(Elizabeth Lane)
from Christmas In Connecticut] |
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"And now, direct from the Keaton household, the moment you've all been waiting for: the lighting of the Christmas Tree!" — [Meredith Baxter
(Elyse Keaton)
from Family Ties] |
| Dec. 11, 2006
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(background)
"Great. I get to spend Christmas Eve with a a couple of dorkcicles." — [Grey Delisle
(Mandy)
from Grim & Evil (aka The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy)] |
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"Ooh, someone's being naughty, not nice. You know Santa's watching you. –What the devil do you mean, watching? –Well, honey, Santa's making a list and checking it twice. –He sees you when you're sleeping. –And he knows when you're awake. I almost caught him last year, but he's magic! –Constant surveillance of every child on earth. Impossible! Unless... hidden cameras!" — [Alex Borstein
(Lois Griffin)
& Seth MacFarlane (Stewie Griffin)
& Mila Kunis (Meg Griffin)
& Seth Green (Chris Griffin)
from Family Guy] |
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"Well, this might seem like a shocking display of ignorance, but I seem to be the only one in town who doesn't know. I mean, what exactly is this thing with the Raven? –Thing? –Well, I don't understand what it has to do with Christmas. –A long time ago, the Raven looked down from the sky and saw that the People of the world were living in Darkness. The ball of Light was kept hidden by a selfish old Chief. So the Raven turned himself into a spruce needle and floated on the river where the Chief's daughter came for water. She drank the spruce needle. She became pregnant and gave birth to a boy, which was the Raven in disguise. The baby cried and cried until the Chief gave him the ball of Light to play with. As soon as he had the Light, the Raven turned back into himself and carried the Light into the sky. From then on, we no longer lived in Darkness." — [Rob Morrow
(Dr. Joel Fleischman)
& Elaine Miles (Marilyn Whirlwind)
from Northern Exposure] |
| Dec. 08, 2006
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"Cal? –Yeah? –What, uh, is going on with this? –What do you mean? –What's he doing? –There're going to be reindeer up in the balcony. He's waving at them. –He's giving the Nazi salute. –Nah. He's waving at the reindeer. –Why wouldn't the reindeer be with him? –Well, when you start to apply logic to Santa Claus, Matt-- –All right, let's set logistics aside. He's saying 'Heil Hitler.' –I think you're reading too much into it. –He's giving the Nazi salute. –Well, now that you've said it, that's all I can see. –It's all anybody can see. –Yeah, he's got the crazy eyes, too, doesn't he? Let's get rid of demented Santa Claus!" — [Matthew Perry
(Matt Albie)
& Timothy Busfield (Cal Shanley)
from Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip] |
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"How is it I'm Jewish and I'm the only one with Christmas spirit? Come to think of it, how is it I'm the only Jew in a comedy writer's room? –All good questions, but take some advice from your Protestant brothers: let's do The Year In Review and screw Christmas. –Screw Christmas?! — [Matthew Perry
(Matt Albie)
& Mark McKinney (Andy Mackinaw)
from Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip] |
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(background)
"Matt? –Yeah? –What's that? –It's a Christmas tree. –Really? –Yeah. –What are you? Linus? –Yes. Yes, I am." — [Mark McKinney
(Andy Mackinaw)
& Matthew Perry (Matt Albie)
& Columbus Short (Darius Hawthorne)
from Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip] |
| Dec. 07, 2006
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"I was right! Santa is real! I think this calls for the 'Billy Was Right' dance!" — [Richard Steven Horvitz
(Billy)
from Grim & Evil (aka The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy)] |
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"Christmas is about presents! If we all buy presents, everyone benefits, mm-kay? –That is the spirit of Christmas, commercialism, because it's what makes our country work!" — [Trey Parker
(Mr. Mackey)
& Trey Parker (Stan Marsh)
from South Park] |
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(background)
"Uh, Merry Christmas to you, too." — [Jimmy Stewart
(Shepherd 'Shep' Henderson)
from Bell Book And Candle] |
| Dec. 06, 2006
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"Merry Christmas, Ms. Harper. –The next person who wishes me a Merry Christmas is going to get decked along with the halls." — [Dorothy Lyman
(Naomi Oates Harper)
& Vicki Lawrence (Mrs. Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper)
from Mama's Family] |
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(background)
"Now I am in the Groove. Now I am at One with the Magick." — [Jim Varney
(Ernest P. Worrell)
from Ernest Saves Christmas] |
|
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"I got a Christmas present for you. –Oh. Well, hand it over. –Huh? –I say, hand it over. –Ain't you got nothing for me?" — [Art Carney
(Ed Norton)
& Jackie Gleason (Ralph Kramden)
from The Honeymooners] |
| Dec. 05, 2006
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"Oh, I'm sorry, Rose. I guess I'm just sad because Christmas doesn't have any meaning anymore. It's gotten so commercial! –How can you say that? –Oh, please, Rose. The Three Wise Men in the Nativity scene at Berdine's were wearing Ralph Lauren ski parkas." — [Bea Arthur
(Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak)
& Betty White (Rose Nylund)
from Golden Girls, The] |
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(background)
"(telephone rings)(doorbell rings) [sigh] The Christmas bells are ringing. Would you answer them, please?" — [Donna Reed
(Donna Stone)
from Donna Reed Show, The] |
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"Well, you owe me. Later, under the misteltoe, open-mouth, no matter how drunk I am." — [Seth MacFarlane
(Peter Griffin)
from Family Guy] |
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"Take it easy with the 'Merry Christmases,' will you, Ma? This holiday is a silly, sentimental farce. It's phony! People just pretend to have this so-called Christmas Spirit. –We can't all have this natural Yuletide verve that you possess." — [Michael J. Fox
(Alex P. Keaton)
& Meredith Baxter (Elyse Keaton)
from Family Ties] |
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"What kind of person would defile Christmas in this manner? Hmm. The person responsible is obviously a lonely and bitter shut-in." — [Michael Dorn
(I. M. Weasel)
from I Am Weasel] |
| Dec. 01, 2006
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"Have you been relieving yourself on me this whole time? –'Tis the season for giving." — [Armin Shimerman
(Santa Skarr)
& Richard Steven Horvitz (Billy)
from Grim & Evil (aka The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy)] |
|
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"No! He's been a very naughty boy! Just one Season's Beating! Just one!" — [Armin Shimerman
(Santa Skarr)
from Grim & Evil (aka The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy)] |
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(background)
"Sounds like somebody's got a humbug up his butt." — [Mike Henry
(Cleveland Brown)
from Family Guy] |
