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December 30 – "Well, well, well… Looks like somebody forgot there's a rule against alcoholic beverages in fraternities on probation." – [John Vernon from Animal House] |
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December 29 – "I can't. I'm not dating right now. –What about tomorrow night, will you be dating then?" – [Jena Malone and Patrick Fugit from Saved!] |
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December 28 – "Look... you can't do things like that!" – [Cary Grant from Arsenic and Old Lace] |
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December 27 – "Hand me down the shark repellant batspray!" – [Adam West from Batman: The Movie] |
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December 26 – "Oh, nice. 16 Candles is on, man. –And the award for the least heterosexual statement ever made in this apartment goes to… Harold Lee! Come on down, man! Take a bow! –Shut up, man. It's a classic." – [John Cho and Kal Penn from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle] |
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December 23 – "Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you. –Uh, we-well, it's a little warm in here, you know? –'Don we now our gay apparel.' –Doesn't get much gayer than this." – [Lois Griffin and Brian Griffin (Alex Borstein and Seth MacFarlane) from Family Guy]
and "Ho ho ho! And what can I bring you? –Oh, a peace offering, is it? Very well… What say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium?! –Well, can you be a good boy? –Hmm. Your inquiry intrigues me. Can any of us be a 'good boy?' Are our primal urges innate or the result of the choices we make? –OK, wrap it up, kid. –All right, Kringle, if the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted. I will be... 'nice.'" – [Mall Santa and Stewie Griffin (Gary Hoffman and Seth MacFarlane) from Family Guy] |
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December 22 – "Where's your allspice? –All what? –It's like trying to cook with one hand tied behind your back. Dinner's going to be delayed. –How delayed? –I'll get back to you." – [John L. Adams and Anthony Michael Hall from The Dead Zone]
and "Oh, the next thing you'll be telling me there's no such thing as Santa Claus. –You mean the fictional character created by New York City merchants at the turn of the century to encourage people to buy material goods? –I can't handle this." – [John L. Adams and Jennifer Finnigan from The Dead Zone] |
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December 21 – "It's too early. I never eat December snowflakes. I always wait until January. –They sure look ripe to me." – [Lucy and Linus Van Pelt (Tracy Stratford and Christopher Shea) from A Charlie Brown Christmas]
and "I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I'm not happy. I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel." – [Charlie Brown (Peter Robbins) from A Charlie Brown Christmas] |
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December 20 – "Grim, everyone knows that Santa is an invention designed by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video games to an unsuspecting public. –The whole 'childhood wonder' stage just blew right past you, didn't it?" – [Mandy and Grim (Grey DeLisle and Greg Eagles) from Grim & Evil]
and "Just remember, Cassie, disappointment is a present, too!" – [Santa Skarr (Armin Shimerman) from Grim & Evil] |
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December 19 – "I just want Peace On Earth. That's better than being selfish like Meg, right? So I should get more than her." – [Chris Griffin (Seth Green) from Family Guy]
and "Uh, uh, uh, before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for egg nog. –Lois, can't we tell them that your mother died? –Peter, I'm not going to lie about something like that. –All right, all right, I'll kill your mother. God, when did Christmas become so complicated?" – [Lois and Peter Griffin (Alex Borstein and Seth MacFarlane) from Family Guy] |
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December 16 – "Well, I guess mommy'll just have to hide your presents someplace else. Just looks like I can't trust you, Ralph." – [Audrey Meadows from The Honeymooners]
and "Well, let's face it, Ralph. You're not the easiest guy in the world to shop for, you know? It's pretty tough to get a guy something that, well, a guy that's got everything." – [Art Carney from The Honeymooners] |
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December 15 – "Now look, Hallie, you can ask for toys, parakeets, haircare products, I don't care. But you may not ask for anything to do with interpersonal relationships! Got it? This is Santa Claus not Dear Abby." – [Ethan Embry from All I Want For Christmas]
and "I need to get these letters to the North Pole by tonight. –Yeah. Right." – [Johnny Bravo and Roy the Postman (Jeff Bennett and Dee Bradley Baker) from Johnny Bravo] |
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December 14 – "I thought you and Hawkins were going to stay home and celebrate Humbug." – [Dick York from Bewitched]
and "No, there's only one person authorized to operate this sack. His big, red, oneness: The Claus." – [Jim Varney from Ernest Saves Christmas] |
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December 13 – "Why am I doing this? –Because I want to force some good cheer through your clogged arteries and into your cranky heart. –Yeah, it's like Christmas Drano." – [Kurtwood Smith, Debra Jo Rupp, & Danny Masterson from That 70's Show]
and "Mandy! I'm getting presents in the New World Order! Mrs. Claus said so!" – [Billy (Richard Steven Horvitz) from Grim & Evil] |
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December 12 – "And what do you want Santa to bring you, Cassie? –A cool pair of wings so I can fly! –Yes. And Santa wants another $1.50 an hour, but apparently he's not getting that either!" – [Santa Skarr and Cassie (Armin Shimerman and Amber Hood) from Grim & Evil]
and "How come every time I take you kids to the mall it burns to the ground? –I blame the economy." – [Grim and Billy (Greg Eagles and Richard Steven Horvitz) from Grim & Evil] |
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December 9 – "But apparently we liberal, secular fags here at Comedy Central have fired a devastating year-old 6-second long joke, that doesn't barely even make any sense to us any more, across the bow of Christianity. When you think of Liberals, your thoughts naturally turn to others who're fighting against Christmas, like the Puritans: the first white Americans who banned Christmas celebrations for 22 years in Boston because they deemed all of them unseemly." – [Jon Stewart from The Daily Show]
and "You know what? It's OK. If Bill O'Reilly needs to have an enemy, needs to feel persecuted, you know what? Here's my Kwanzaa gift to him… Are you ready? All right… I'm your enemy. Make me your enemy. I, Jon Stewart, hate Christmas, Christians, Jews, morality! And I will not rest until every year families gather to spend December 25th together at Osama's Homobortion Pot-n-Commie Jizzporium." – [Jon Stewart from The Daily Show] |
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December 8 – "Honey, you wouldn't believe the stores are so crowded. I stood in line in one store for 10 minutes just to get out." – [Bob Newhart from The Bob Newhart Show]
and "Merry Christmas. –For me? Gosh. –It's fruitcake. –Oh. Thanks. Merry Christmas." – [Donna Reed and "Jimmy the paperboy" (uncredited) from The Donna Reed Show] |
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December 7 – "We got so caught up in the little things of Christmas, like Love and Family, that we almost forgot it's buying things that makes our economy thrive." – [Miss Diane Choksondik (Trey Parker) from South Park]
and "Oh, and boys? Happy Chanukah. –Happy Chanukah, Ma." – [Sheila Broflovski and Kyle Broflovski (Mona Marshall and Matt Stone) from South Park] |
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December 6 – "Ahh, smell those Christmas trees. You can keep your 'Channel' Number 5, just give me a whiff of the old lonsesome pine. That symbol of brotherly love, that centerpiece that all mankind gathers around to share the cranberry sauce shaped like a can." – [Jim Varney from Ernest Saves Christmas]
and "There's no such thing! Think about it: a guy who flies around the whole world in one night. It just doesn't quite correspond to the laws of time and travel. –Now, now, now, now, now, it's possible. You take the International Date Line, multiply it by the Time Zones, divided by the accelerated rotation of the earth... uh, carry the 1, and, uh, allowing for the Vernal Equinox on the Tropic of Cancer, he might just pull it off." – [Noelle Parker and Jim Varney from Ernest Saves Christmas] |
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December 5 – "Sweetheart, everyone is entitled to believe in what they want. Now if-if they don't want to believe, that's all right, too." – [Elizabeth Montgomery from Bewitched]
and "Grandma, you've got to admit it… There's nothing like the tree to get you into that Christmas spirit. –Yeah, sure, nothing gives me more comfort and joy than cleaning up pine needles for two weeks." – [Allan Kayser and Vicki Lawrence from Mama's Family] |
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December 2 – "You know, I don't tell many people this, but Christmas is just about my favorite time. Ever since I was a little kid, I always felt like it was my own personal holiday." – [Jim Varney from Ernest Saves Christmas]
and "(grunting) I know what we need, Vern… bolt cutters!" – [Jim Varney from Ernest Saves Christmas] |
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December 1 – "Oh, crap, I forgot Chanukah! Ooh! Chanukah's on the 7th. How could I forget the holiday that starts on a different day every year and commemorates a lamp not going out?" – [Samantha Bee from The Daily Show]
and "But really let's face it, all other days bow down to the 25th: Christmas. It's the only religious holiday that's also a Federal holiday. That way Christians can go to their services and everyone else can stay home and reflect on the true meaning of Separation of Church and State." – [Samantha Bee from The Daily Show] |
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